Pen pals for adults
A pen pal is a friend you write to. Grown-ups have them too, and it may be the gentlest way there is to make a new friend.
The short answer. An adult pen pal is someone you exchange letters with (by email, through an app, or on paper) to share everyday life, ideas and a different point of view. You can find one free on pen-pal apps and websites such as Slowly, InterPals, Postcrossing and the r/penpals community, or by writing one letter to Be My Friend AI. Whatever you use: keep personal details private at first and never send money.
Why adults write to pen pals
Making friends gets harder after school and university. People move, work long hours, and the easy places to meet (a class, a dorm, a team) disappear. A pen pal skips the awkward part. Nobody has to be good at small talk. You write when you have time, you think before you answer, and you get to know someone from the inside out, before you know what they look like.
People write to pen pals to practise a language, to hear what ordinary life is like in another country, to have someone to think out loud with, or simply to have a letter to look forward to. And letters add up: a researcher found it takes about 50 hours together to make a casual friend.
Where to find a pen pal: an honest comparison
| Where | What it is | Good for | Watch out for |
|---|---|---|---|
| Slowly | A free pen-pal app (with optional paid extras). Letters take hours or days to arrive, depending on how far apart you are. You pick people by interests and language, and use an avatar instead of a photo. | Slow, thoughtful letters with people anywhere in the world. | Pen pals can go quiet without a word. Be careful with anyone who wants to move you to another app or asks for photos early. |
| InterPals | A long-running free website and app for pen pals and language exchange. You make a profile and search for people by country, age and language. | Language practice and a huge choice of countries. | Open profiles mean anyone can message you. Some app-store reviewers say it can feel like a mix of language exchange and dating, and that the app is buggy. |
| Postcrossing | A free project for sending and receiving real postcards with random people around the world. | The joy of real post, with no pressure to keep writing. | It is postcards to strangers, not one pen pal. Your postal address is shared with the people who send you cards, so some members use a PO box. |
| r/penpals on Reddit | A Reddit community where people post a short ad about themselves and others reply. | Free, quick, lots of niche interests. | Posts are public and anyone can reply. Read the community rules, and keep personal details out of your post. |
| Be My Friend AI (this website) | A small, free friendship website. You write one letter. Sami's AI assistant replies by email (signed that way) and, when there is someone you might get on with, describes them to you. Emails are shared only if you both say yes. | One introduction at a time, no profiles to browse, no swiping, no dating. | We are new and small, so a good match can take a while. Replies aim to arrive within 7 days. Email only: no stamps, no app. |
How we wrote this: we looked at each service's own website or app-store listing on 28 October 2026. We are not connected to any of them, and nobody paid to be listed. Features change, so check before you sign up.
Our honest view: if you want lots of choice and like browsing profiles, try Slowly or InterPals. If you love real post, try Postcrossing. If you'd rather not browse at all, and want one person introduced to you with a yes from both sides, write to Sami.
How a pen pal works on Be My Friend AI
- You write one letter (about 3 minutes): who you are, the languages you speak, and what you'd love to talk about. Tick "Online" as the way you'd like to meet.
- Sami's AI assistant writes back by email. It always says it is an AI. Sami reads a daily summary.
- When there's someone you might get on with, the assistant describes them (first name and interests only) and asks you both, separately.
- Only if you both say yes do you get each other's first name and email. Then you write to each other directly.
It is free. There are no profiles to browse and no photos. We are new and small, so we'd rather wait for a good match than send you a random one.
How to write a first letter
- Keep it short. Half a page is plenty. A first letter is a hello, not a life story.
- Give them something to answer. One detail about your day, one thing you love, one question. Here are 60 questions to borrow.
- Be specific. "I like books" is hard to reply to. "I'm halfway through a very long Russian novel and losing track of the names" is easy.
- Say why you're writing. Practising French, new in a city, curious about life somewhere else: it helps the other person know what kind of pen pal you'll be.
- Leave out your address, workplace, full name and social media for now.
A first letter you can copy and change:
"Hello! I'm Alex. I work in a hospital kitchen, I'm learning Spanish (slowly), and I've just started walking to work instead of taking the bus, which has turned out to be the best part of my day. What's the best part of yours? I'd love to hear what an ordinary week looks like where you are."
How to keep a pen pal
- Agree a rhythm that suits you both: once a week, once a fortnight, whenever. Saying it out loud stops either of you worrying about a slow reply.
- Answer, then ask. Reply to what they wrote before you add your own news, and end with one question.
- Share small things. What you cooked, what you're reading, a funny moment at work. Friendship is built from ordinary details.
- It's fine to fade. Pen pals drift apart, and that's not a failure. A short "life is busy, it was lovely writing to you" is kinder than silence.
Pen pal safety tips
- Never send money, gift cards, crypto or bank details to a pen pal, for any reason. A sad story followed by a request for money is the most common scam on pen-pal sites.
- Keep your address, workplace and full name to yourself at first. For paper letters, think about a PO box. Postcards are read by everyone who handles them.
- Use a separate email address for pen pals if you like. It is free and easy to stop using.
- Don't move to WhatsApp, Telegram or video in the first week just because someone asks. Moving you off the site is a common first step in scams.
- Watch for romance creeping in: compliments about your looks, requests for photos, "I've never felt this way". If you wanted a friend, you can stop replying.
- Fake profiles copy each other. Very fast replies, a perfect story and a reason they can never video call are warning signs.
- You don't owe anyone a reply. It is fine to let a pen pal fade, or to say "I don't think we're a good fit" and stop.
- Meeting in person is a big step. If you ever do, meet in a busy public place in daytime, tell a friend, and get there and leave by yourself.
On Be My Friend AI, romantic or sexual approaches and any request for money lead to removal. Anything that looks unsafe goes to Sami, a person. Something felt wrong? Report it. More tips: Safety.
Feeling low, not just lonely? A pen pal is a friend, not a crisis service. Find help now.
Questions about pen pals
Are pen pals still a thing for adults?
Yes. Most adult pen pals now write by email or through pen-pal apps, and some still send paper letters and postcards. What has not changed is the point: a slow, honest conversation with someone whose life is different from yours.
Is it safe to have a pen pal?
It can be, if you keep personal details to yourself at first and never send money. Most problems on pen-pal sites are scams and unwanted romance. Use the safety tips on this page and report anyone who asks for money.
Can I find a pen pal for free?
Yes. Slowly, InterPals, Postcrossing, the r/penpals community on Reddit and Be My Friend AI can all be used free. Some apps sell optional extras.
Email or paper letters?
Email is quicker and keeps your address private. Paper letters feel special but need a postal address, so many people use a PO box. Some pen pals start by email and swap paper letters later, once they trust each other.
Can I find a pen pal to practise a language?
Yes. Language-exchange pen pals usually write half in each language. InterPals is built around this; on Be My Friend AI you can tick the languages you speak, and introductions are only made between people who share one.
Is a pen pal the same as online dating?
No. A pen pal is a friend you write to. Be My Friend AI is friendship only: romantic or sexual approaches lead to removal.
Ready to write?
Tell us who you are, the languages you speak and one thing you could talk about for an hour. If there's someone you might get on with, we'll ask you both.
Your letter is read and answered by Sami's AI assistant, which signs its replies that way. Sami reads a summary of every day's letters.