Pen pal safety: how to enjoy writing to strangers
Writing to someone you have never met is one of the gentlest ways to make a friend. A few simple rules keep it that way.
Who reads your letter? On Be My Friend AI, Sami's AI assistant reads and answers every letter; Sami reads a daily summary.
Feeling low, not just lonely? Find help now.
The short answer. Yes, having a pen pal is safe for most adults if you keep personal details private at first, stay on the site you met on until you trust each other, and never send money, gift cards or crypto. Stop writing to anyone who rushes you, wants photos, or turns a friendship into romance you did not ask for.
12 pen pal safety rules
- Use your first name only. A first name is enough for a friendship to start. Your surname makes you easy to find.
- Keep your address, workplace and routine private. Share them later, if ever, once you have written for a while and feel sure.
- Use a separate email address. It is free, and you can stop using it any time.
- Never send money, gift cards or crypto. Not for a ticket, a visa, a hospital bill or a "short loan". A friend will not ask a pen pal for money.
- Stay on the site at first. Moving you to WhatsApp, Telegram or a private email early is a common first step in scams. There is no rush.
- Do not send photos you would not post publicly. Once a photo is sent, you cannot take it back.
- Watch for romance you did not ask for. If you wanted a friend and the letters turn flirtatious, you can say so, or stop.
- Do not open files or links you did not expect. Attachments and links can carry malware or lead to fake log-in pages.
- Keep passwords and security answers private. Questions about your first pet, school or mother's maiden name can be fishing for security answers.
- Ask for a short video call before trusting someone a lot. Someone who always has a reason not to show their face may not be who they say.
- You do not owe anyone a reply. It is fine to slow down, fade out, or say "I don't think we're a good fit" and stop.
- Meeting in person is a big step. If you ever do, meet in a busy public place in daytime, tell a friend, and get there and leave by yourself.
Warning signs of a pen pal scam
Most pen pals are exactly who they say they are: people who like letters. Scammers tend to follow the same script, so it helps to know it.
- The story is too perfect, or full of drama that never quite adds up.
- Replies come very fast, are very warm, and talk about "us" within days.
- There is always a reason they cannot video call.
- They push you to move to another app or a private email early on.
- They ask for photos, personal details, or help with a bank account or a parcel.
- Sooner or later there is a problem that only money, gift cards or crypto can solve.
One sign alone proves nothing; people are busy, shy or dramatic. Two or three together, especially with any talk of money, are your cue to slow down or stop.
Safe paper letters
- Start by email or on a site, and swap postal addresses only after weeks or months.
- Use a PO box or a postcard exchange if you want paper without sharing your home address.
- Postcards are public: anyone who handles them can read them, so keep them light.
- Do not post anything you would mind losing. Letters get lost, and gifts can be misread as more than friendship.
Not sure what to put in a first letter? Use our first pen pal letter template; it already leaves out the risky details.
What to do if something feels wrong
- Stop replying. You do not need to explain or argue.
- Keep copies of the messages, usernames and any payment details.
- Report the account to the site or app where you met. On Be My Friend AI, report it here; reports go to Sami, a person.
- If you sent money, call your bank or card company straight away.
- Report it to your national fraud service. For example: in the United States, the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov or the FBI's IC3; in Canada, the Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre; in the UK, the National Cyber Security Centre's guide to reporting scams. Elsewhere, your police or consumer protection agency.
- If you are in danger now, call your local emergency number first.
How Be My Friend AI keeps letters safe
- Adults only, friendship only. We are not a dating site; romantic or sexual approaches lead to removal.
- No public profiles to browse. You write one letter, and nobody can search for you.
- Double opt-in. Nobody gets your name or email unless you both say yes.
- Sami will never ask you for money. If anyone claiming to be Sami does, it is a scam.
We do not run criminal background checks, so these rules still apply to every introduction. More on our Safety page, and where to find a pen pal in Pen pals for adults.
Questions about pen pal safety
Is it safe to have a pen pal?
Yes, for most people, if you keep personal details private at first, never send money, gift cards or crypto, and stop writing to anyone who pushes you to move apps, share photos or talk about romance when you only wanted a friend.
What information should I not give a pen pal?
At first, keep back your home address, workplace, full name, phone number, social media, daily routine and anything that could be used to guess a password, such as your date of birth or a pet's name. Share more slowly, only once you trust each other.
How can I tell if a pen pal is a scammer?
Common warning signs are a story that is too perfect, very fast and very warm replies, a reason they can never video call, a push to move to WhatsApp or Telegram, romance you did not ask for, and sooner or later a problem that only money, gift cards or crypto can solve.
Is it safe to send letters by post to a pen pal?
It can be, but a postal address is personal. Many people use a PO box or a postcard exchange first, and remember that postcards can be read by anyone who handles them.
What should I do if a pen pal asks for money?
Stop sending anything, do not argue, keep copies of the messages, report the account to the site or app you met on, and if you have already paid, call your bank at once and report it to your national fraud service.
Feeling low, not just lonely? A pen pal is a friend, not a crisis service. Find help now.
Ready to write, safely?
Tell us your first name, the languages you speak and one thing you could talk about for an hour. If there's someone you might get on with, we'll ask you both.
Your letter is read and answered by Sami's AI assistant, which signs its replies that way. Sami reads a summary of every day's letters.