How to be a better friend: 15 habits that research backs

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The short answer. To be a better friend, show up (reach out first, without keeping score), listen properly, be glad for their good news out loud, keep your word and their secrets, say thank you, and turn up when it is hard. Small things, repeated, beat big gestures.

People felt better after sharing good news, and more so when the listener responded actively and constructively. (Gable, Reis, Impett and Asher 2004, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)
People who wrote thank-you letters underestimated how positive and surprised the receiver would feel, and overestimated how awkward it would be. (Kumar and Epley 2018, Psychological Science)
In 2022 research with more than 5,900 participants, people "significantly underestimate[d] how much others will appreciate being reached out to". (APA release via ScienceDaily, 11 July 2022)

Updated 29 October 2026. Written with AI help and checked against the sources above.

What makes a good friend?

Most answers to that question come back to the same few things. A good friend:

Can be trusted. Keeps confidences, keeps promises, and does not talk about you behind your back.
Listens. Asks, then really hears the answer, without rushing to fix it or turn it into their own story.
Turns up. In hard times as well as good ones, even when it is inconvenient.
Is glad for you. Celebrates your good news without envy or one-upping.
Is honest, kindly. Tells you the truth when it matters, gently and in private.
Makes time. Friendship is built from shared hours: in Jeffrey Hall's research, about 50 hours made a casual friend, about 90 a friend, and more than 200 a close friend. (Hall 2018)

None of these needs money, a big personality or lots of free time. All of them need attention.

15 habits of a better friend

Reach out first, and stop counting who messaged last.
Ask one real question ("How are you, really?") and wait for the real answer.
Listen to understand, not to reply. Put the phone face down.
Celebrate good news properly: ask how it happened, what it means to them, what comes next.
Remember the details: the interview on Thursday, the mother's operation, the dog's name. Put them in your calendar if you need to.
Follow up: "How did the interview go?" is one of the kindest messages there is.
Keep confidences. What they tell you stays with you.
Do what you said you would, or say early that you can't.
Turn up in hard times: a meal, a lift, a card, a call after the funeral, and again a month later when everyone else has gone quiet.
Say thank you, specifically: "Thank you for driving me to the hospital. I won't forget it."
Tell them what you value in them, out loud, now and then.
Be honest with kindness: in private, about the thing that matters, with care for how it lands.
Apologise cleanly: "I'm sorry I missed it. That wasn't fair on you." No "but". (More in how to apologize to a friend.)
Respect their choices, including the ones you would not make: a new job, a move, a new faith, not drinking.
Give it a rhythm: a monthly call, a standing walk, a yearly trip. See how to keep friendships alive.

The overlooked one: how you react to good news

Most of us know to show up for bad news. Fewer of us think about good news. Yet in four studies, Shelly Gable and colleagues found that sharing a good event with someone was linked to feeling better that day, over and above the good event itself, and the effect was stronger when the listener responded actively and constructively. (Gable et al. 2004)

Your friend says, "I got the job!" Compare:

Active and constructive: "That's brilliant! Tell me everything. When did they call? What are you most looking forward to?"
Passive: "Nice." (and back to your phone)
Deflating: "Isn't that a long commute?"
Hijacking: "Oh, that reminds me of my new job..."

The first one costs you two minutes and makes their good day better. It is the easiest upgrade in this whole guide.

Say thank you, even when it feels awkward

In three experiments, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley asked people to write a short letter of thanks to someone who had mattered to them. The writers expected the receiver to feel a bit awkward and only mildly pleased. The receivers felt far more positive, and more surprised, than the writers guessed, and much less awkward. (Kumar and Epley 2018)

So write it: a message, a card, a letter. Name one thing they did and what it meant. Our first-letter template works for old friends too.

How to be a good friend when someone is struggling

Offer something specific: "Can I bring dinner on Tuesday?" is easier to accept than "Let me know if you need anything."
Listen more than you advise. Ask, "Do you want ideas, or do you just want me to listen?"
Keep showing up after the first week. Grief, illness and divorce last longer than the cards do.
Back their changes. If a friend has stopped drinking, make it easy: suggest a coffee instead of the pub, and bring something they will enjoy. The Quiet Month has a thoughtful list of gifts for people who don't drink.
Know your limits. If a friend talks about harming themselves, or you are worried for their safety, help them reach a professional or an emergency service. Find help lines here.

Be a better friend to yourself, too

You can't pour from an empty cup. Being a good friend does not mean always saying yes. Keep some evenings for rest, say no kindly when you need to, and notice friendships that only ever take. It is fine to give more to the people who also show up for you.

What to say

"I've been thinking about you. How are you, really?"
"That's amazing news. Tell me how it happened."
"I never said it properly: thank you for [thing]. It meant a lot."
"I'm sorry I went quiet. I'd love to catch up. Are you free this month?"
"I can't fix this, but I'm here. Can I bring food on Thursday?"

Why it is worth the effort

The World Health Organization's Commission on Social Connection reported in 2025 that 1 in 6 people worldwide is affected by loneliness, and that strong social connections can lead to better health and longer life. Being a good friend helps the people you love, and it tends to come back to you. (WHO, 30 June 2025)

Where Be My Friend AI fits

The friends you have come first. If you would also like a new one, we are a small, new friendship website: friendship only, never romance. You write one letter about yourself; Sami's AI assistant writes back (it always says it is an AI); and when there is someone you might get on with, it asks you both. Nothing is shared unless you both say yes. Introductions are online for now: pen pals, study partners and people to talk ideas with, anywhere you share a language.

Email first if you like: write to sami@bemyfriendai.com, or write your letter on the site.

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Questions about being a better friend

How can I be a better friend?

Show up, listen and follow through. Reach out first without keeping score, celebrate your friend's good news with real interest, remember what matters to them, keep their secrets, say thank you out loud, and turn up when things are hard. Small things done regularly matter more than big gestures.

What are the qualities of a good friend?

Most people name the same few: being trustworthy (keeping confidences and promises), listening well, being there in hard times, being glad for your good news, being honest with kindness, and making time. None of them needs money or a big personality; all of them need attention.

How should I react when a friend shares good news?

With real interest. Ask questions, let them tell the story, and be glad out loud. In a 2004 set of studies by Shelly Gable and colleagues, people felt better after sharing good news, and more so when the listener responded actively and constructively rather than briefly, or by changing the subject.

Is it awkward to tell a friend I appreciate them?

It feels more awkward than it is. In 2018 experiments by Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley, people who wrote thank-you letters overestimated how awkward the receiver would feel and underestimated how positive and surprised they would be. Send the message.

Can Be My Friend AI help me find new friends?

Yes, gently. It is a small friendship website, friendship only and never romance. Sami's AI assistant reads your letter and writes back (it always says it is an AI), and introduces you to real people, such as pen pals and study partners, only when you both say yes.

Meeting someone new? Meet in a busy public place, tell a friend where you'll be, and never send money to anyone you met online. Read the safety tips. Not okay right now? Find help now.

Sources

Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., and Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228-245. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.228 (PubMed abstract, read 29 October 2026)
Kumar, A., and Epley, N. (2018). Undervaluing gratitude: Expressers misunderstand the consequences of showing appreciation. Psychological Science, 29(9), 1423-1435. doi:10.1177/0956797618772506 (PubMed abstract, read 29 October 2026)
American Psychological Association (11 July 2022). Friends enjoy being reached out to more than we think. Via ScienceDaily. sciencedaily.com
Hall, J. A. (2018 online; 2019 in print). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278-1296. doi:10.1177/0265407518761225
University of Kansas (2018). Study reveals number of hours it takes to make a friend. news.ku.edu
World Health Organization (30 June 2025). Social connection linked to improved health and reduced risk of early death. who.int

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